Preston: I'm starting to feel
Preston: I feel
DuPont: It was a trap
Preston: I kill you and win.
the "touchy-feely" version:
Preston to Sense Offenders: You're feeling!
(kills them all)
Preston to Partridge: You're feeling!
Preston: I'm feeling
(kills everybody else)
Preston to Mary: You're feeling!
(doesn't kill her but she dies anyway)
Preston to Dupont: You're feeling!
Preston: Now we're all feeling!
EQ THE SMALL AND UNRELEASED DIRECTOR'S
Preston runs, shoots, and kills. Partridge stands, sits, and
gets killed. Brandt talks, talks, and won't shut the hell up. Preston
skips, he feels. He runs, shoots, kills again. Mary talks, talks,
talks, talks, talks, and talks, and sorta loves, and dies. Preston
runs, shoots, kills, slices, dices, makes lie detector cry, causes an
incident, and pays it gladly. Dupont dies. THE END
Preston: Daddy, I accidentally dropped
my morning interval. I took it out before I brushed my teeth. Sorry.
DuPont: I told you to call me Father! An almost unforgivable lapse,
Cleric. But hey, you did brush your teeth after all?
Puppy: Yap! Yap!
Brandt: Oh, what a cool puppy! Let's eat it!
Preston: You fool, those are not to be eaten! I'll cut your face for it
later! But as for now... Daddy, can I keep it?
Preston: But why?
DuPont: Father's order! It's a matter of faith. I suppose you have it?
Preston: Hey, if you won't let me keep the puppy I'll cry! I have
feelings now, you know, Daddy.
DuPont: I told you to call me Father! You won't keep the puppy and
won't cry for it either! You'll give it away coolly, calmly, entirely
Preston: No, not without incident.
Libria exploding, Preston thinks to himself: 'Such a cute little puppy.
I think I'll call it Grammy. Or maybe Prozie?'
Ok, now from Brandt's point of view:
In the church
'Hmm, that guy over there shot his partner and still remains cool and
calm. I can only hope to become one day as uncompromising as him! Gotta
tell him that!'
In the car
'Gee, I wonder whether he and his partner were close. Gotta ask him!'
Beside Preston's desk
'Hmm, it looks like he's rearranging his desk. But he can't be, it's
forbidden! Gotta ask him bout it!'
In the Nether, just before the raid starts
'Shit, what to say to sound really cool? You scare them, we'll shoot
them? Naah! You fire machine guns, we'll fire pistols? Now way! Damn, a
SWEEPER is coming, I have to... I've got it!'
Beside the car's hood
'That Preston guy kicks ass! If he and the Sweepers keep up with that
kind of efficiency there will be no job for a guy like me! Gotta tell
Next to the dogs' place
'I wonder what they did to those animals? Could it be related to the
Hot Dogs stuff I read about in history book? Gotta ask Preston!'
In the car, watching Preston going off to the Nether
'This guy could be a sense offender! Gotta check him in a vague way
tomorrow during our bokken practise!'
During bokken fight
'Ok, I'll make him nervous and kick his ass! He won't be able to even
touch my stomach with that stick, not mentioning anything else!'
Before the gun swap
'Ok, I'll give him my gun and we'll see what happens'
After the gun swap
'Damn, did he swap them or not? Oh well, I'll let ppl from EQ fansite
to clear that one!'
'Aha, he IS a sense offender! Gotta tell ppl at the lobby!'
In DuPont's office, being shown the trace on his gun
'He did, he did swap the guns! Gotta tell DuPont!'
In the lie-detector room
'Ha, I WILL make my career with Preston after all! Gotta tell him!'
In DuPont's office, before fighting Preston
'I hope he minds the uniform, I'm planning to be using it for a while.
Gotta tell Preston! And damn, I hope I win easily! Can't loose my face
in front of DuPont!'
Laying on the floor
'Oh what a nice ceiling! Hey, Preston, tread softly, because you tread
on my face! Gotta...'
Brandt dies and misses the ending
Now a really short one from DuPont's
point of view:
'Damn, Partridge joined the Resistance! I'll send Preston to kill him!'
'Damn, Preston joined the Resistance! I'll send Brandt to kill him!'
'Damn, Preston killed Brandt! I'll kill him!'
'Damn, Preston killed me!'
(Just before shooting the Mona Lisa offenders) "It's a bit dark in
(Ordering the Mona Lisa burnt) "It's a bit hot in here."
(Just before shooting Partridge in the Cathedral) "It's a bit cold in
(In Mary's hidden room) "It's a bit too kitsch in here."
(In the interrogation room with Mary) "It's a bit hot in here."
(At the warehouse execution) "It's a bit confusing in here."
(At Mary's Incineration) "It's a bit hot in here."
(In DuPontís Office with Brandt) "It's a bit more confusing in here."
(In the polygraph room) "It's a bit of a set-up in here."
(In the Hall of Mirrors) "It's a bit of a massacre in here."
(In 'Father's' Office) "It's a bit too posh in here."
(Watching Libria go to hell in a handbasket) "It's a bit safer in
Partridge: I feel, you always knew
Preston: I kill you now.
Preston: oh no, now I feel.
Sweepers: get him.
(Preston shoots a bunch of people)
Preston: Mary, noo!!!
time for revenge.
Preston: DuPont = father? wtf wtf wtf! Not without incident!
(Preston shoots more people.)
DuPont: don't kill me, I feel too!
Preston: you are owned. (BLAM)
Preston: Those sense offenders
undermine our society.
They're not so bad when you get to know them.
shoots him and looks COOL)
I've missed my dose. I should get another.
and then shoots some more people)
Well done Preston. But it turns out that I'm actually Father. And I'm
feeling as well.
are SHOT and STABBED)
Now I've brought down the evil regime I can finally smile smugly.
DuPont: Hey, Brandt my old buddy, I've
got a great plan. First we'll take the meanest, leanest, most
ass-whippin' machinist we can find. Say, Cleric Preston, right?
Dupont: Cool. Then we'll grab his wife
and toast her. THEN we'll arrange it so he shoots his own partner. THEN
we'll fix it so that he comes off his dose and gets his feelings back,
and THEN point him in the direction of this really hot sense offender
chick, let him get attached and then we fry her too.
Brandt: In other words, we make it
possible for this remorseless killing machine to feel again, and then
we piss him off big time? Sounds good so far.
DuPont: Finally, we fix it so that he
walks into my palace looking to whup ass, we'll sit him in a chair,
I'll appear on a big screen and hand him a "start kicking butt now"
sentence. Something like..."without trouble?" "With no struggle?""
Brandt: How about "Entirely without
Dupont: Yes! I like it. Nice one! And
then after I say that line, we'll kill him and wipe out the resistance.
Whadda you think?
Brandt: Sounds great. But You don't
think it might go wrong do you?
DuPont: Nah. How could it possibly go
wrong? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
(Dupont and Brant crack open a can of
Dr Pepper. Fade out.........)
Preston: Hey you're all sense offenders!
Partridge: Don't you like my book, Preston?
Preston shoots Errol and says: Naw.
Dupont: Feelings are bad Cleric, you shouldn't miss your dose.
Brandt: Shame about your partner, but at least I'm not Eddie Murphy
Jurgen says: Kill Father for us?
Preston: Well since I saw a sunrise, almost felt Mary's boobs and don't
take Prozium any more. Deal.
Preston kills a whole bunch of people, cuts Brandt's face off and kills
Dupont who really was Father.
Preston smiles - the end.
by Cleric Baltaak
The most condensed version yet...
swaps gun (!!??!!)