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Equilibrium Fan Humor
Ultra-Condensed Equilibrium

The following exacting renditions of Equilibrium are inspired by the "Movie-a-Minute" website & were contributed by fans on the message board.  Thanks to one & all.


by Hostile

Preston: I'm starting to feel

Preston: I feel

DuPont: It was a trap

Preston: I kill you and win.

by Cardinal

the "touchy-feely" version:

Preston to Sense Offenders: You're feeling!
(kills them all)

Preston to Partridge: You're feeling!
(kills him)

Preston: I'm feeling
(kills everybody else)

Preston to Mary: You're feeling!
(doesn't kill her but she dies anyway)

Preston to Dupont: You're feeling!
(kills him)

Preston: Now we're all feeling!


by ProziumAbuser 


Preston runs, shoots, and kills. Partridge stands, sits, and gets killed. Brandt talks, talks, and won't shut the hell up. Preston skips, he feels. He runs, shoots, kills again. Mary talks, talks, talks, talks, talks, and talks, and sorta loves, and dies. Preston runs, shoots, kills, slices, dices, makes lie detector cry, causes an incident, and pays it gladly. Dupont dies. THE END

by Jamess 

Preston: Daddy, I accidentally dropped my morning interval. I took it out before I brushed my teeth. Sorry.

DuPont: I told you to call me Father! An almost unforgivable lapse, Cleric. But hey, you did brush your teeth after all?

Preston: Umm...

Puppy: Yap! Yap!

Brandt: Oh, what a cool puppy! Let's eat it!

Preston: You fool, those are not to be eaten! I'll cut your face for it later! But as for now... Daddy, can I keep it?

DuPont: No!

Preston: But why?

DuPont: Father's order! It's a matter of faith. I suppose you have it?

Preston: Hey, if you won't let me keep the puppy I'll cry! I have feelings now, you know, Daddy.

DuPont: I told you to call me Father! You won't keep the puppy and won't cry for it either! You'll give it away coolly, calmly, entirely without incident.

Preston: No, not without incident.

Libria exploding, Preston thinks to himself: 'Such a cute little puppy. I think I'll call it Grammy. Or maybe Prozie?'

Preston smiles.

by Jamess 

Ok, now from Brandt's point of view:

In the church
'Hmm, that guy over there shot his partner and still remains cool and calm. I can only hope to become one day as uncompromising as him! Gotta tell him that!'

In the car
'Gee, I wonder whether he and his partner were close. Gotta ask him!'

Beside Preston's desk
'Hmm, it looks like he's rearranging his desk. But he can't be, it's forbidden! Gotta ask him bout it!'

In the Nether, just before the raid starts
'Shit, what to say to sound really cool? You scare them, we'll shoot them? Naah! You fire machine guns, we'll fire pistols? Now way! Damn, a SWEEPER is coming, I have to... I've got it!'

Beside the car's hood
'That Preston guy kicks ass! If he and the Sweepers keep up with that kind of efficiency there will be no job for a guy like me! Gotta tell him!'

Next to the dogs' place
'I wonder what they did to those animals? Could it be related to the Hot Dogs stuff I read about in history book? Gotta ask Preston!'

In the car, watching Preston going off to the Nether
'This guy could be a sense offender! Gotta check him in a vague way tomorrow during our bokken practise!'

During bokken fight
'Ok, I'll make him nervous and kick his ass! He won't be able to even touch my stomach with that stick, not mentioning anything else!'

Before the gun swap
'Ok, I'll give him my gun and we'll see what happens'

After the gun swap
'Damn, did he swap them or not? Oh well, I'll let ppl from EQ fansite to clear that one!'

Arresting Preston
'Aha, he IS a sense offender! Gotta tell ppl at the lobby!'

In DuPont's office, being shown the trace on his gun
'He did, he did swap the guns! Gotta tell DuPont!'

In the lie-detector room
'Ha, I WILL make my career with Preston after all! Gotta tell him!'

In DuPont's office, before fighting Preston
'I hope he minds the uniform, I'm planning to be using it for a while. Gotta tell Preston! And damn, I hope I win easily! Can't loose my face in front of DuPont!'

Laying on the floor
'Oh what a nice ceiling! Hey, Preston, tread softly, because you tread on my face! Gotta...'

Brandt dies and misses the ending

by Jamess 

Now a really short one from DuPont's point of view:

'Damn, Partridge joined the Resistance! I'll send Preston to kill him!'

'Damn, Preston joined the Resistance! I'll send Brandt to kill him!'

'Damn, Preston killed Brandt! I'll kill him!'

'Damn, Preston killed me!'

by Libby 


(Just before shooting the Mona Lisa offenders) "It's a bit dark in here."

(Ordering the Mona Lisa burnt) "It's a bit hot in here."

(Just before shooting Partridge in the Cathedral) "It's a bit cold in here."

(In Mary's hidden room) "It's a bit too kitsch in here."

(In the interrogation room with Mary) "It's a bit hot in here."

(At the warehouse execution) "It's a bit confusing in here."

(At Mary's Incineration) "It's a bit hot in here."

(In DuPontís Office with Brandt) "It's a bit more confusing in here."

(In the polygraph room) "It's a bit of a set-up in here."

(In the Hall of Mirrors) "It's a bit of a massacre in here."

(In 'Father's' Office) "It's a bit too posh in here."

(Watching Libria go to hell in a handbasket) "It's a bit safer in here."

by Akimbo

Partridge: I feel, you always knew
Preston: I kill you now.

Preston: oh no, now I feel.
Sweepers: get him.
(Preston shoots a bunch of people)

Preston: Mary, noo!!!
time for revenge.

Preston: DuPont = father? wtf wtf wtf! Not without incident!
(Preston shoots more people.)

DuPont: don't kill me, I feel too!
Preston: you are owned. (BLAM)


by Deimos

Preston: Those sense offenders undermine our society.

Partridge: They're not so bad when you get to know them.

(Preston shoots him and looks COOL)

Preston: I've missed my dose. I should get another.

(He DOESN'T, and then shoots some more people)

Dupont: Well done Preston. But it turns out that I'm actually Father. And I'm feeling as well.

Preston: Bastard.

(More people are SHOT and STABBED)

Preston: Now I've brought down the evil regime I can finally smile smugly.

(Smiles smugly)


by Coolhand

DuPont: Hey, Brandt my old buddy, I've got a great plan. First we'll take the meanest, leanest, most ass-whippin' machinist we can find. Say, Cleric Preston, right?

Brandt: Ok

Dupont: Cool. Then we'll grab his wife and toast her. THEN we'll arrange it so he shoots his own partner. THEN we'll fix it so that he comes off his dose and gets his feelings back, and THEN point him in the direction of this really hot sense offender chick, let him get attached and then we fry her too.

Brandt: In other words, we make it possible for this remorseless killing machine to feel again, and then we piss him off big time? Sounds good so far.

DuPont: Finally, we fix it so that he walks into my palace looking to whup ass, we'll sit him in a chair, I'll appear on a big screen and hand him a "start kicking butt now" sentence. Something like..."without trouble?" "With no struggle?""

Brandt: How about "Entirely without incident?"

Dupont: Yes! I like it. Nice one! And then after I say that line, we'll kill him and wipe out the resistance. Whadda you think?

Brandt: Sounds great. But You don't think it might go wrong do you?

DuPont: Nah. How could it possibly go wrong? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

(Dupont and Brant crack open a can of Dr Pepper. Fade out.........)

by ClericWolf

Preston: Hey you're all sense offenders!


Partridge: Don't you like my book, Preston?

Preston shoots Errol and says: Naw.

Dupont: Feelings are bad Cleric, you shouldn't miss your dose.

Brandt: Shame about your partner, but at least I'm not Eddie Murphy homie.

Jurgen says: Kill Father for us?

Preston: Well since I saw a sunrise, almost felt Mary's boobs and don't take Prozium any more. Deal.

Preston kills a whole bunch of people, cuts Brandt's face off and kills Dupont who really was Father.

Preston smiles - the end. 

by Cleric Baltaak

The most condensed version yet...


by Libby

kills offenders
burns painting
kills partridge
stops interval
starts feeling
arrests mary
hears music
starts crying
rescues puppy
kills sweepers
helps offenders
swaps gun (!!??!!)
finds jurgen
fails mary
starts sobbing
gets arrested
screws brandt
'betrays' resistance
wears white
fails polygraph
kills sweepers
kills brandt
kills dupont
liberates libria


The not so ultra-condensed, condensed version...

by ClericWolf

Shot of Wimmer doing Gun Kata...

Father speaks: Emotions are bay, kay?

The Nethers...

Sweepers: That room is full of sense offenders.

Preston: Blow the bolts, then watch my 733tness!

Partridge: Anyone seen a ring around here?

Preston enters, everything is dark, he shoots everyone in the room dead using Gun Kata.

Sweepers: Did you see that?

Partridge: No, it was dark.

Preston: Hey the Mona Lisa? jeeze what a pile of crap, burn it!


Longshot of Libria.

Father: Nice one everyone, you all fell for my ruse, now take your Prozium and clap me...for I am TeH GawD!

In the car...

Partridge: How long before this is all gone, Preston?

Preston checks his watch: About another few hours, don't worry - we'll get it all.

They take Prozium.

Dupont: An almost unforgivable lapse, Cleric.

Preston: I'm getting bored, can I go and kill some sense offenders, I won't miss my dose again honest.

Preston meets Brandt after shooting Partridge dead, they don't get on, Brandt thinks he's got a cooler smile than Preston and keeps calling him homie when he's got his back turned.

Preston misses dose, saves Mary, saves puppy...puppy almost gets Preston killed.

Puppy: Bark Bark!

Preston: Oh f***!!!

Sweeper Captain: IS that a dog or are you just pleased to see me Cleric?

Preston: That does it, you're all dead!

Preston shows off Gun Kata and kills everyone.

More plot gets in the way of cool gun action.

Bokken Fight:

Brandt: Hah! I hit your shoulder!

Preston: Yes, but I'd have cut your goolies off!

More plot...

Preston meets the Resistance, joins up and decides he's going to kick Father's ass.

More plot...

Mary: Did it just get really hot in here?

Preston: Damn it, that's the second woman that I've lost to a fire in this movie!

More plot...

The Gun Swap scene.

Brandt: You son of a bitch, you swapped guns with me.

Preston: No I didn't!

Brandt: Yes you did, people on the EQ Fansite boards have been theorising why and how for ages.

Preston: Shut up and take your beating, bitch.

More plot, action, nearing the end.

The lie detector scene:

Person: How do you get a gun away from a Grammaton Cleric?

Preston: Duh, that's easy, if they're as dumb as Brandt - you ask them for it.

Brandt: Oh I am so going to kick your ass for that bitch!

Father: Ha ha ha ha, I am really Dupont, bet you didn't see that one coming.

Preston: Yes I did, oh and I bet you'd have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those damn kids?

Dupont: It doesn't matter because soon you will be dead, and it will all have happened without incident.

Preston: Ha that's what you think.

Lie Detector: Beeeeeeeeeep!

Preston: No, not without incident.

Lie detector man: Oh shit!

*bangbangbangbang* everyone dies.

Lobby Scene:

Preston: Is Neo here yet?

Sweepers: Huh?

Preston: Aha! fooled you, wrong movie suckers!

*blamblamGUNKATAblamblam* everyone dies.

Father's Chamber:

Preston: Wow look at this art, you're a sense offender...you're all sense offenders...you tricked us all!

Dupont: Well duh? didn't the hand slap and raised voice give it away?

Preston goes nuts, kills everyone again...all except Brandt and Dupont.

Brandt: Watch the threads homie...oh and about that Gun Swap dude?

Preston: That does it, I told you what would happen if you called me homie again and mentioned the gun swap!

Preston kills Brandt.

Dupont: You're treading on my dreams!

Preston: Why not, I have the boots for it!

Gun push fight.

Dupont: I feel, don't shoot me...we could rule Libria as Father and son?

Preston: It didn't work for Luke and it's not going to work for me!


Preston goes on another killing spree, Preston shoots a bunch of screens.

Preston: Sweet, and I get to play Batman soon too.

Preston smiles...


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